Perspective
by cyberwulf
Summary: Riley's return forces Buffy to reassess her "relationship" with Spike.


Perspective  
  
By Cyberwulf  
  
Rated 12s (PG-13)  
  
Spoilers : "As You Were" and some episodes leading up to that .  
  
Disclaimer : It's all Joss's , I'm just borrowing it .  
  
Summary : Riley's return forces Buffy to reassess her "relationship" with Spike .  
  
Author's Note : If you think Spuffy is fluffy , then you probably won't like this .  
  
It was over . Buffy meant it this time .  
  
She hadn't looked back as she left the ruins of Spike's crypt . She just hoped he wasn't following her .  
  
Buffy lay in bed and stared at the ceiling , and thought over everything that had happened since Riley had shown up in Sunnydale . More specifically , she thought about what she had become .  
  
She remembered the way she'd babbled at Riley that Spike couldn't be the Doctor , that he was too incompetent . She wondered what she had been trying to prove in those few moments before they found the almost-hatched eggs . Had she been defending Spike ? Buffy dismissed that thought immediately – she'd been defending herself , trying to deny that she'd been sleeping with an evil fiend who had tried to kill them all in the past , and who probably would do so again , given the chance .  
  
It had been such a shock when she saw those eggs . She'd blocked out Spike's evil tendencies , so that the . . . "thing" between them (it didn't even count as a relationship) wouldn't seem so bad as it was . To discover he was still into causing destruction and mayhem had been a rude awakening . She wondered how long those eggs had been there, right below the room where they . . . fucked , was the only word to describe it . He hadn't even been worried that she might find them . Buffy felt her face fill with heat as she imagined Spike , a cocky , mocking grin on his face , talking to whoever had given him the eggs . . . " Oh , don't worry 'bout the Slayer . I'm on top of 'er ."  
  
Buffy buried her face in the pillow as hot tears of shame and humiliation began to trickle down her cheeks . There was another thing – it was amazing how much Spike had changed since she'd finally given in to his advances . Last year , he'd had a shrine to her , built the Buffybot because he couldn't have her , followed her around denying he had any interest in her until finally he confessed , giving her the big puppy-dog eyes that almost made her feel sorry for him . And now . . .  
  
" You came back wrong . . . You belong in the dark . . . You're gonna crave me , Slayer." Playing on her biggest fear , and now that he could hurt her , the hint of a threat whenever she spurned him . He didn't care about how she felt , as long as he got what he wanted .  
  
The worst part was , she couldn't write this off as a "mistake", like her night with Parker . A mistake would've only happened once , instead of over and over . Buffy wiped her eyes with the corner of the sheet and took a deep breath . Parker had treated her badly, she'd been angry and upset , clubbed him (she smiled at the memory) and never went near him again . Spike treated her like dirt , and she kept going back to him . Why ?  
  
Love ?  
  
She remembered what she'd said when Riley'd told her he had authorisation to terminate Spike , and had gently offered to do it , as though Spike had forced her into his bed against her will .  
  
" I – I'm sleeping with him !" she'd stammered out , and she'd tried so hard to attach some emotion to that statement . But all she could come up with was guilt , because what had been going on was mostly her fault and not Spike's . She was the one who kept giving in . If anyone deserved to be a pile of dust for what they had been doing together , it was her .  
  
What DID she feel for Spike ? It wasn't nothing . You didn't do what she'd been doing with Spike if you felt nothing . Buffy thought about what she'd said to Spike just before their last sticky tumble together . " Tell me you love me . . . Tell me you want me ." That was what she wanted , to feel loved , and desired . And she supposed that Spike DID love her , as much as a soulless demon could love anyone . But how much was that worth ? Spike had loved Drusilla for over a century , and yet he'd offered to stake her to win Buffy's affection .  
  
Did she love Spike ? There was no denying that he gave her that naughty tingling feeling down below , and her stomach turned over whenever she saw him . But that wasn't love , that was lust . She'd had it with Angel , but there was something more back then . She'd loved Angel so much that it had made her heart ache at times . And there would always be a part of her that belonged to him . There was no ache like that with Spike . She didn't feel safe in his arms , like with Riley . She knew he would never act goofy to cheer her up , like Xander did . And he would never be able to comfort and reassure her with just a gentle squeeze of her shoulder , the way Giles could .  
  
Buffy shifted in bed , and gazed over at the door . Angel had made her feel special , as though she was above him . As if she was some beautiful , fragile flower he wasn't worthy to touch . She'd seen the depth of his love in his dark eyes , and sometimes it had been so strong it scared her . Riley had made her feel like a normal girl , dating a normal guy who didn't spontaneously combust when the sunlight hit him . With him , she could forget , at least for a while , that she had to battle demons and fend off the latest apocalypse . Xander , big , funny Xander , always there for her , cheering her up when she was down , defending her honour . The brother she'd never had . And Giles , quietly caring , quietly proud of her , though she shuddered to think what he would say if he knew what had been going on in his absence . She still missed him , though it wasn't as bad as those first few weeks following his departure , but it was impossible to think of him without a pang , and a flash of anger . Would she react like that if Spike left ?  
  
Now the big question – how did Spike make her feel ?  
  
The honest answer wasn't long in coming .  
  
Good – while they were doing it . But afterwards she always felt worse about herself . Worthless . Pathetic . Weak . Ashamed and guilty . Buffy shook her head . The constant hammering at her self-esteem and confidence wasn't worth the brief thrill of pleasure she got from letting him take her , or for the moments of oblivion when she didn't have to worry about life – hers or anyone else's . That was the reason she kept coming back to him , and why she had to end it . She didn't love Spike , was using him , and that wasn't fair to him . It was hurting them both and it had to stop .  
  
Thank God Riley was the only one who knew about the whole sordid business . He hadn't told the others , and for that she was grateful . He hadn't judged her , he hadn't asked any questions . He'd just told her she was the strongest woman he'd ever known . It had been a long time since Buffy had felt strong , but his words had made her feel that way again . It was funny , but his arrival had put the whole thing in perspective .  
  
Buffy rolled onto her back and gazed up at the ceiling again . Okay , there were a lot of things about her life she couldn't change . Like UC Sunnydale rejecting her application , meaning she'd have to work at the Palace for at least the rest of the year . Or that she hadn't been there for Dawn , or Willow , when they needed her . Or that Giles had inexplicably left her , just when she needed him most . Or that her last boyfriend was not only happily married , but happily married to a woman who was likeable , awed by her , and didn't blame her for breaking Riley's heart . But she could change this . She could stop using Spike as a way to escape her crummy life and break his hold over her . If Willow could kick magic addiction , she could stop seeing Spike . That meant no more quickies on her break , no more swinging by his crypt on patrol , no more sweaty fumblings in the garden when she got home from work . Buffy summoned all her resolve. Time to be strong . Spike wasn't going to make it easy for her . But she had to try .  
  
It was a long time before she fell asleep .  
  
-^)--)~ 


End file.
